My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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