I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I AM VODKA MAN
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
