I think I died a long time ago.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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