i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
