I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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