y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
