Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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