If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I understand Curling. That high.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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