Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
