I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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