So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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