yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
