is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
