every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
