wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
