I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i have two assholes
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
