Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
