i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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