I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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