Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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