So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
