By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
