ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
