Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
