I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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