I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
