mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
