you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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