I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
