it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
