How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
too bad you live with your parents still
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
