You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think I am morally bankrupt
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
