I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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