Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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