Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
