i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
