Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
