If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
