she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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