At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
