party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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