I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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