Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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