I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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