There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Threesome in a minivan. New low
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
