When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
