Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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