every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
