Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
