i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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