Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
